Thursdays.

I had a bad Thursday two weeks ago. Like really bad. Usually I love Thursdays, because the next day is Friday, and then I have a weekend to myself! This Thursday was not my cup of tea.
I got to work at 8:30 (usual time) it was a usual morning, looking at the notes from the previous evening. Reading, clicking, reading, click, click...
BRITTNEY! Coming from the dining room. Now when this happens the frist thing I think is, great someone has falled, choked, or spilled. None of which are my favorites. I walk in to see a sweet little lady leaning forward, sure enough, bright red. Great. She wasn't chocking on food, she was chocking on liquid. She has been using thickener in her drinks to keep her from aspiration. Weird how thicker things would be less likely to do that right?
Short lesson...
When one has a hard time swallowing, or it goes down the wrong tubes, you use thickener. Also known as Dysphagia. Not a disease, but caused because of a disease you have. (Parkinson's, MS, Alzheimer's.)
ANYWHO... Despite the thickened liquids, her apple juice had gone down the wrong tube. She was spitting up phlem like fulid. She was read and sweaty, and trying to hard to clear her throat, it was heart breaking. After patting her back, holding her right hand in the hair, and trying everything else we knew to get her to clear her throat we took her to her room. We called her hospice nurse told her what was happening, and she said she would send someone asap. We tried for another 20 minutes with her sitting up, to help clear her throat. We couldn't. We called her nurse back, and she told us to lay her in bed on her left side and see if that would help it drain. She continued to cough and shake... There I was, alone, trying to prop her up with my arm, and hold her hand. I kept telling her to keep coughing it up, that she was going to be fine, and that I wouldn't leave her. I asked her if she was cold. She nodded (still not being able to talk) and as I let go of her hand to grab a blanket, she grabbed my wrist. Like she was saying please don't leave me. :( She had a hold of my hand so tight my fingers were white. She started to calm down a little. I told her it would be okay, everything will be fine, don't be scared. Then after 20 minutes (seemed like 20 hours) she started coughing up blood.
Less than five minutes later, she died. I was holding her hand the entire time.
I felt so awful. Not that I could have done anything different, but it was still such a shocking, random, fast thing.. it was very hard to believe. Her brother came and waited for the mortuary to come pick her up. He walked in and called her his beautiful sweetheart. Making me cry. And said what a blessing I was to be there with her. To help her not feel scared, and to reassure her that she is loved.
I could not stop thinking about her all day. I could not believe that had just happened! I was shocked. How could this cute little thing be up, eating, talking, totally being her normal self, and die less than an hour later? I got home that night, took a hot bubble bath, and cried. A good, long, ugly cry. It's just what I needed.
It is very hard to not be selfish when you are caring for someone. I build this bond with people, that makes me want to keep them forever. And it is so hard to understand that I can't. I love my job. I love the people that I take care of. I love the challenges. I even love the hard parts too. Because all of these things prepare me for what's next. In work, life... whatever.